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For decades, each summer, Alabama coaching legend Paul “Bear” Bryant welcomed his scholarship players with the question: “Have you called your folks to thank them? No one reaches this level of excellence in football without the support of others.”
Bryant not only recognized the significance of others in shaping a young athlete’s journey but also wanted the athletes to acknowledge it. This recognition serves as a vital lesson in leadership. No one becomes a successful leader without the willingness of others to support them; help is essential, and part of your development as a leader involves acknowledging and showing gratitude for that assistance.
However, your leadership and career can truly flourish by extending your gratitude not only to those you appreciate and who support you but also to those you may find challenging: the difficult individuals in your life, those who, for various reasons, may cause you distress.
One of the most effective strategies for managing these challenging relationships is to genuinely appreciate them. When you do this, you might discover that you engage with them in unexpectedly productive ways.
The term “appreciation” derives from a Latin root meaning “to comprehend the value.” This means your appreciation for difficult individuals should stem from a sincere understanding of the value they bring to you and your organization.
This involves not just understanding their perspective, but truly valuing it, using that appreciation as a tool to achieve better outcomes—outcomes that might not have occurred without these difficult people in your life. Otherwise, in terms of leadership, your appreciation can become futile.
Here’s a four-step process to transform appreciation into a catalyst for results:
(1) Team Up. To initiate appreciation, recognize that you and the difficult person must work together in this process. Remember, your goal is not to make the difficult person appreciate you, as you have little control over their feelings. Instead, focus on cultivating your own appreciation. This development occurs within a relationship—a team relationship with the other individual, not necessarily a personal one. In this collaborative setting, liking the other person isn’t essential; instead, you need to work together actively and wholeheartedly, regardless of personal sentiments. The objective is to navigate the challenges you face together and establish a leadership process that yields results.
(2) Identify. When dealing with a challenging person, emotions can run high. The first step is to engage in a face-to-face meeting to pinpoint the exact causes of the difficulties. Strive to detach from emotional entanglements. “Break down” the situation as football coaches analyze game film. This breakdown should be a collaborative effort: first, have the person describe the specific instances when issues arose. Focus solely on the factual elements of those moments—what actions and words triggered the emotions. After they share their side, you can present yours. Only when both parties clearly understand and agree on those moments can you begin discussing the feelings connected to those specific actions.
For example, if the person feels you aren’t listening, ask them to illustrate the exact moment they perceived this. Where were you? What was being said? What specifically led them to feel that way?
(3) Agree. Both you and the individual must find common ground regarding the issues you’re facing. Closing the gap between your perspectives is crucial. The measure of success in this process is results. Does the conflict impact the outcomes you need to achieve?
If the person claims you don’t listen, do you agree? Is their perception significant? Until you can reach a consensus on whether you were or weren’t listening—and the importance of that—you’ll continue to face challenges. This understanding is essential for progressing to the most crucial step.
(4) Transform. Turn the specifics of your agreement into a results-driven process that leads to measurable improvements. Without such a process, the previous steps become irrelevant. For instance, if you both agree on the need for greater attentiveness during conversations, you might create a “listening process.” This could involve techniques like “continuers,” a method taught in medical schools to help doctors engage more empathetically with their patients. In this approach, doctors learn to respond with “uh-huh” three times while the other person speaks before responding.
“Continuers” are just one of many techniques you can utilize. Clearly, “not listening” is just one of the myriad challenges you might encounter with those you lead. Whatever method you choose in addressing your difficulties, it must generate specific improvements in results—greater results than if you hadn’t implemented the process.
Regarding the “not listening” example: you might extract one actionable item from the conversation that could lead to improved outcomes. I once worked with a leader who faced accusations of ignoring his team, resulting in resistance to his leadership. They convened around a conference table and followed this four-step process. Together, they established a system for actively and systematically listening to one another, ensuring clarity on what was communicated and understood. They then identified actionable items that emerged from their dialogue and committed to implementing those actions to achieve measurable results.
Just as the needy will always be present, difficult individuals will consistently seek entry into your life, regardless of your experience or success as a leader. Many may even be within your organization, attempting to undermine your authority, thwart your plans, or tarnish your reputation.
Instead of clashing with or avoiding them, consider appreciating them. By employing this approach, you may discover that these individuals are not liabilities but rather valuable assets.
